| i leave tomorrow.
thank you.
|
| |
| slow, slowly, slower, slowest.
|
| |
| i'm tired now. i'm tired and alone and scared.
but i'm not scared of the plague of death that wakes me up in the middle of the night or the disease that leaves me laying, rotting on the bathroom floor. not anymore at least.
i'm scared of that fact that i'm not afraid to die anymore. i'm scared that i'll give up soon, that i'll fight myself out, i'll stop running and i'll surrender - just turn around and will myself dead.
i think of it that way sometimes, literally - i think of myself running and i'm tired but i don't care because my fear of dying somehow became a violent will to live. i'm running in a tunnel or something like it - black on all sides except behind and ahead. and i get so tired that i forget to be scared and i stop and i turn around and i throw my arms out to the sides and the light - dim and hazy at first - closes in on me, washes over me and turns me into gold.
i think that now, right now, i'd give anything to feel complete, to feel like i've lived in every way possible, that i've loved with every piece of me, that i've made the right decisions more than the wrong ones. but i don't, because i haven't lived at all and i've loved in all the wrong ways and every decision i've made has been the wrong one.
but i don't feel like i failed myself, not anymore. i feel like maybe, just maybe, i should be proud of myself because i lived in the moment. i smoked, i drank, i got strung out and i did all of it with passion. i did everything fiercely and i did it because it felt right and i don't think it would be right for me to start regretting now.
i don't regret loving the wrong people because they weren't wrong when i loved them. i wasn't wrong when i loved them. together, we had the potential to be a right. but it never happened that way and maybe that's for the better. because now there won't be any broken hearts, when the fight does end - because it will and this is a truth i have accepted by now, after all the months i spent trying to change it - there will only be friends and family left, no one will think of love lost and, really, i'm okay with that.
i did read fight club and, i realized, i did love without boundary or restraint. i don't know that i've ever saved a life but i also don't know that i've ever been capable. i have forgiven myself because, in reality, this isn't my fault. i don't deserve this, not really, but that's okay. no one really does and, in a way, i'm glad that it's me - a plain boy with a plain life and no future anyway - instead of someone who deserves life, who loves life and appreciates it.
i haven't forgotten, but i know now that i don't need to. i don't need to forget to be okay, because everything that i feel like i should forget - all of those things - are all things that have made me who i am now. and i'm okay.
|
| |
| i remember the days where you used to smile and you'd tell me you loved me without looking at me.
and, back then, i took it for fear, but now i take it for distaste.
|
| |
| i have nothing left to live for but the simple act of living.
|
| |
